From the day Kayli was prenatally diagnosed with Trisomy 18, all I could think about, was the outfits on the racks in the store...and how I would never get to see her in them. It is a selfish thing I know. While in the nesting phase, I was drawn to the baby aisles in the stores. I felt so alone. I imagined that anybody else picking an outfit off the rack, never wondered if they would put it on their baby and see the outfit come alive. Often, I would find myself in an area filled with cheerful shrills at the sight of the outfits, while comments of the clothes, "she will look SOOOO cute in this one!!" flailed around me. I stood there in a daze, tears rolling down my cheeks, wishing I could see my unborn daughter in just ONE outfit, off the rack. One courageous day, I broke down and purchased an adorable dress off the rack. I didn't fixate on how she would look in it, but rather, wondered "will this be her coming home dress, or her funeral dress?" It turned out to be neither. :-/ Kayli was transferred to another hospital for further testing. lol Although it was a good sign of life, I couldn't help but laugh as the new purpose of the dress was dubbed, "the transport dress"! No matter how much I fretted, or what I planned the dress to be...it took on a meaning of it's own...kind of like Kayli's life.
Fast forward 4 months later. After heart surgery, while coming out of sedation in the PICU room...Kayli passed away. 32 minutes later, she came back to life! My heart leaped at the thought of 5 more minutes with her! I ran to her side, hoping to capture each morsel of her final 5 minutes of life! Of all the things I could have said to her, while she hung onto life, this was all I wanted to say to her... Thank you for every pat on your butt, I gave you. Thank you for every smile you shared. Thank you for the 5 minutes of "mommy time" each day, on my chest that you endured. Thank you for every breath you gave me, and for the snarls in your hair. Thank you for every outfit off the rack, that I got to see you in, and the memories to share. Kayli's next Krusade, is to share pictures in an album, of her in outfits, that were once sitting on a rack. I will be updating the album daily. You can see her photo album by clicking here: Kayli's 'off the rack' photo album.
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